Recently one of my coachees made an incredibly wise observation, which she has graciously permitted me to share. She was mulling how she wants to approach her resignation letter to her congregation, and she had requested samples from colleagues. Some of them, she noted, seemed to be geared toward preserving the church’s goodwill toward the departing pastor. The messages boiled down to, “Don’t blame me for leaving. If it were up to me, I’d stay with you forever!” Even though these ministers would need to step away from relationships with congregants for ministerial ethics reasons, they still wanted to maintain the emotional attachment. That might make everyone feel better in the short term, but it can breed discontent and stuckness in the long term.

It’s really difficult to write a good resignation letter. First, this is a point at which big changes for you and congregation become real and irreversible and pick up steam quickly. Second, people will have big feelings upon reading or hearing your resignation announcement. (However uncomfortable these feelings are, they are better than your congregants responding to your exit plan with, “Meh.”) Third, these letters come after months of discernment on your part, during which you might already have felt like you are betraying her congregation by contemplating leaving. You might have a lot of guilt - or anger, depending on the circumstances surrounding your exit, which adds its own challenges to composition. Fourth, there are also things you can’t, or at least probably shouldn’t, say in a resignation letter. (That doesn’t mean there won’t be other, more appropriate venues such as an exit interview for sharing some frank thoughts.) All of these realities make it very tempting to resort to hyperbole or half-truths.

The resignation letter, though, is a pastoral missive. The writing of it is an act of ministry, and ministry must always be in service to the congregation’s vocation as an iteration of Christ’s body. So while the letter is personal, it is not ultimately about the pastor. It is about the church. When you are writing your letter, then, consider what it is that your congregation needs as you share your news in order to move forward in hope. Is it gratitude for what you have experienced together? Is it reassurance that there are lay leaders or staff ready to pick up responsibilities, that the judicatory is on standby to lend support, or that a process for calling a new pastor is ready to be activated? Is it a reminder that the congregation, not the pastor, is the church?

To be sure, the resignation letter must thread a needle with a very small eye. As you write, continually ask yourself, what do I want the readers to know and to feel by the time they reach my signature, and why? How can I be a pastor in the way that I write? How do I both look backward and forward so that I can work toward a positive sense of closure with my people and prepare them to love a new minister?

This letter and leaving in general are hard, holy work. You can be a pastor to those in your care just as much in your departure as in all the good ministry you have done to that point. This worthy goal can be an orienting point for your approach to your exit.

Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash.

Note: the blog is moving to Substack! I will cross-post articles here and there in September, then post only on Substack from October onward. You can find me here on Substack.

Recently I was talking with a coachee who is leaving her current call. “I’m exhausted,” she said. “No one tells you how tiring it is.” She wasn’t referring to all the mental work of details she’s preparing for her successor or the physical efforts involved in cleaning out the books and files she’s accumulated over a long tenure. (Those are very real too, though.) She meant the grief work - her own and others.’

So let’s talk about it.

It is emotionally taxing to manage the time between when a pastor announces a departure and when the exit actually happens. You are feeling a range of emotions, and so are your parishioners. You might be deeply sad to say goodbye to some people you’ve grown to love. You might feel relieved to leave behind those who have antagonized you or taken up a disproportionate amount of energy. You might be thrilled to go to a new challenge or to take a much-deserved, much-needed break. You might feel scared because you don’t know what is next. You might be miffed that people seem largely unaffected by your news.

On the church members’ end, they might be excited for new opportunities for you. They might feel lost and anxious because they have benefitted so much from your ministry and from your steady presence. They might be angry at you for leaving and even more so for setting boundaries around contact with church folks after you go.

So you have your big emotions and they have theirs. But they are not one-and-done feelings. The process of bringing closure to relationships happens over and over in that pre-departure window. And even with some sense of finality, the tenderness does not go away. So how do you navigate this span of weeks, or even months?

Know that this will be hard. It is hard because you have invested significant periods of time and parts of yourself in this holy work. Thanks be to God for what you have done and who you have been in this context!

Feel the feels. Honor what is going on in you and in others. You are in a thin space, where the buffer between you and God and between you and your people is less substantial than at other times.

Focus on relationships more than details. Yes, it will be good for the next minister to know who the homebound members are and what signature events for the congregation are coming up. But those are notes the new person can get elsewhere, if needed. Your successor cannot bring good closure to your relationships with parishioners.

Take good care of yourself. Don’t fill your last weeks too full. Set up emotional supports such as a video call with a non-church friend or some time with your watercolors so that you can recoup enough energy to do the relational work your soul and others’ must have.

Pray for your people. Pray for them to be ok without you. Pray for them to love their next pastor (and vice versa). Pray for them individually, since you know their specific situations. You will soon no longer be their minister, but you will always care about and want good for them.

I am a firm believer that we do as much ministry in this time between announcing our departure and leaving as we do in all the time leading up to the transition. On behalf of church people everywhere, thank you for wanting to wade through that time thoughtfully and compassionately.

Photo by Nick Page on Unsplash.

“When [your former pastor doesn’t set boundaries], the incoming minister will have a shorter tenure than necessary, because it’s hard to compete with a beloved predecessor who won’t go away. So, the cycle of the departure of the pastor, the interim time, the search for a new minister and the installation of that leader begins again. This is costly to a congregation in terms of energy and money. It particularly lessens momentum in fulfilling its mission.

“So how can we all make this transition easier?” Click to read my thoughts on the CBF blog.

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash.

I'm really proud of my mom.

For a long time she has been feeling restless in her congregation. She greatly respects the pastors. She feels seen and loved by her fellow members. But a primary reason she joined this church was because my dad, who died a year and a half ago, was comfortable there. Now he's gone, and the theology and worship style don't fit her. She knows everyone there approaches her as a widow, which she is, but she's a very active one who doesn't want to be reminded constantly of her loss.

So Mom has been visiting around, and she thinks she's found her place. Having ministers for a son-in-law and daughter, though, she knew she shouldn't ghost her former congregation. She texted one of the pastors and asked to meet with him. Here's what she said during that conversation:

She gave thanks for the gifts of the ministers and the church's care for her. These pastors were so attentive to her and to my dad during some really rough years. Their support was essential, and she told them so.

She explained why she was leaving. It had nothing to do with conflict, and it was a hard decision. But she worships best through traditional hymns. She is more able to engage in Bible study with a particular theological bent. This congregation doesn't offer either.

She noted that she even though the congregation was no longer a fit for her, she celebrated that it was a great fit for others. It's wonderful that some people experience Jesus through praise hymns! Everybody worships differently.

She asked the pastor what she should do about her church responsibilities. She doesn't have major leadership responsibilities, but she does have some congregational care commitments. She didn't want to leave anyone in the lurch.

I thought this was a very healthy approach. For the record, I am the proud of the pastor too, who was my pastor when I was a youth. He told Mom that he wants her to find the church where she can heal and worship and grow, wherever that might be. Then he blessed her on her way. I think all ministers, at our best, can pastor people in this way as they leave our direct care.

These are the kinds of conversations that ministers and church members need to have. So many laypeople drift away, knowing they need something different for their current season of life but not wanting to hurt their pastors' feelings. But here's the truth: uncertainty and ghosting are much more painful for ministers than honesty and vulnerability. And departing laypeople don't get the closure they need to be able to get deeply involved in a new faith community.

I want to encourage both pastors and members to be open to - even to invite - some discomfort for everyone's benefit. Then each party can authenticity bless the other for the diverged journey to come.

Photo by Junseong Lee on Unsplash.

Let’s be clear, I am not urging anyone to quit! The question of how to resign well comes up often, though, for my coachees and in clergy groups. Thoughtfulness around your announcement will make your remaining time in your current context more pleasant. It will also allow you to be a leader as much through your leaving as through your pastoring up until this point. Here are some commonly asked questions about submitting a resignation, along with my responses:

Whom do I tell first? Before there’s a congregation-wide announcement, a departing pastor will typically want to tell a few individuals in the church. Most obvious is the person or group to whom you are primarily responsible, such as a personnel committee. If you are not the lead pastor, your supervisor will also need to know. And there might be others who get a heads-up, such as people in your church who have served as references, other staff or lay leaders with whom you’ve worked closely, the chair of the search committee that called you, or the chair of your congregation’s governing board. (Don’t neglect to inform your judicatory leader as well, if that person has not been involved with your search.) Keep in mind that there might be some people who don’t need to know your news before a congregational announcement but who will merit one-on-one conversation afterward, such as church members to whom you’ve become close.

When do I start telling people? Remember that if you are going to another congregation, the folks there will be excited about you. They will start spreading the word as soon as your call is official (and sometimes before, despite requests to the contrary). The people in your current context need to hear your news from you, so cue up conversations or communications so that you’re ready when the call is finalized.

What do I say? This is hard. You’re moving on for a reason, yet you’ve put a lot into this church you’re leaving and the people there. Here’s an outline that can help scaffold your announcement.

• Acknowledge bittersweet nature of news you’re about to share (e.g., “It is with mixed emotions that I tell you…”).

• Tell where you’re going and what your role will be (if applicable).

• Name your last Sunday and last day in the office.

• Give a brief explanation about why you’re leaving (e.g., “I wasn’t looking, but the Holy Spirit nudged…” or “Because of changes to my/our situation, I’ve/we’ve felt the need to…” or “Because of all the ways you have encouraged me and helped me grow in ministry, I now feel ready to…”).

• Identify a couple of things you are grateful for about your current congregation.

• Explain how you are working with others to make sure gaps are addressed in your absence.

• Share how you’ll be spending your remaining time (e.g., “I will be prioritizing…” or “I will be in and out as I try to sort out details here as well as in my new home, but I will be paying attention to [tasks] over the next [time until leaving].”).

What should I expect after my announcement? Well, you and others will feel all the feels. (Read more about this here.) Also, you might feel a frantic energy to tie up every loose end or an utter lack of motivation to get things done. If the former, decide what is most important (hint: it will probably be relationships) and lean into it, knowing you will not get everything done and giving yourself grace for that. If the latter, make sure you have at least transferred passwords and knowledge that lives only in your head to someone else or to a document that your successor can access and offered some sort of opportunity for closure with you.

Giving people news they don’t expect and don’t want is always hard. Plan for self-care afterward and through your remaining time. And if you need help leaving well where you are and starting well where you’re going, contact me or schedule a call to find out how I can coach you through those two important periods of your ministry.

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash.

Whew! You’ve almost made it through 2020. It has been a year of unexpected challenges, hasn’t it? This has manifested in a number of ways, with just one of them being the inability to go to in-person denominational meetings, conferences, trainings, and retreats. This means that you might have a good bit of money remaining in your professional expense fund, even after you’ve attended all the virtual events and bought all the books.

Every December I offer a “round up” special: I will round the amount left in your professional expense line item up to the next session value. My intent has always been to keep you from leaving any of your hard-earned benefits on the table and to encourage you to invest in your leadership growth for the coming year. I can’t imagine a better time to hit both of these marks. While it’s important to steward your church’s money well in these uncertain times, it’s also essential to use your available resources to prepare to pastor in a rapidly-changing world. Coaching is a great way to do that, because it

• is done remotely,

• takes place at your pace and on your schedule,

• is geared toward reframing your situation in helpful ways,

• helps you make positive steps forward, and

• can be completely customized to your goals, leadership style, and context.

If you are looking to make progress in such areas as

• finding a good oscillation between caring for others and caring for yourself,

• developing and grounding yourself in your pastoral identity when others are projecting their anxieties about the state of the world on you,

• searching for a new call and/or leaving your current one well under the restraints imposed by Covid-19,

• helping your church members engage well among themselves and in the community when there is no end to the pandemic in sight, or

• addressing conflict that is even trickier when those involved are unable to gather in person for conversation,

coaching can help.

The round-up special is valid in December only. Contact me or schedule a free exploratory call by December 30 to take advantage of this offer.

It’s my last day at my current congregation. If I had my way, I would leave my keys on the desk and sneak out the back door. Not because I don’t love my co-workers and church members, mind you, but because I do. Saying goodbye to people you care about is hard, especially if you’re an extreme introvert.

But, I firmly believe that how a minister ends her time in a position is at least as important as how she begins it. So here are the things I’ve been mulling the past few weeks:

Which relationships need closure? Not all of the relationships I’ve formed in this church will end when I put that last box of books in the car, but all of them will change. How do I mark this evolution with intentionality?

What loose ends need tying up? I don’t want to leave messes for my colleagues to clean up. They have enough on their plates with the transition.

How do I prepare the way for my successor? This is tricky in my case because no one has been hired yet. Generally, though, I want to file enough information to help the next person hit the ground running and avoid landmines. I don’t want to define his/her relationships with church folk, though, by giving too many details about personalities. I also want to leave the physical work space decluttered, Pledged, and vacuumed.

If I say my goodbyes and do my homework well, not only will I feel more settled, the minister who follows me will be better able to establish trust and get into the nitty-gritty of ministry quickly.