For ministers in toxic contexts
I have occasionally coached pastors who serve in such traumatizing settings that I’ve wanted to scream, “RUN OUT OF THERE LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!” I do not say that, though. It’s not my job as a coach to tell a coachee what to do. (It is my job to unearth what coachees know and value and hope and feel and to help them strategize accordingly.)
Here are some signs your congregations might be toxic:
People regularly do not take responsibility for their intended or unintended hurtful words or actions. We all mess up sometimes. That is the nature of being human. Healthy people recognize and apologize when they’ve hurt others. Unhealthy people don’t.
People regularly tell you that you didn’t experience what you know you experienced. The term “gaslighting” has become common parlance these days, and for good reason. Sometimes people will question your reality in order to make you question it.
People who blame and gaslight have substantial power in your context. Every church has some unhealthy people. If they aren’t in staff or lay leadership, their voices don’t ring as loudly in your head. If they are in a position to exert a lot of control, though, that’s when there’s big trouble.
There’s no accountability for people who act in harmful ways. No one has - or will exercise - the ability to apply consequences to unrepentant powermongers.
There’s no clarity about congregational processes, or processes work differently than stated. This keeps the system in constant upheaval and allows the biggest influences to get their way.
The spirituality of those with power generally remains very surface. There is no desire to wrestle with what the gospel means for our lives. Instead, leaders are guided by personal preference at every turn.
I admire the tenacity of pastors who hold on in the midst of abusive circumstances. I know there are sometimes legitimate reasons (e.g., financial concerns) that pastors stick it out, no matter how bad things get. And, there may be a minister out there who needs to hear these truths:
You are loved, gifted, and called by God. And you know what? Sometimes the trajectory of that call changes over time. Your evolving call might nudge you to a new ministerial role or context. It might take you out of vocational ministry for a season or forever. Whatever the case, God’s care for and investment in you doesn’t change.
You don’t deserve mistreatment. You don’t deserve to be called names, to have your worth questioned, to be overworked to the detriment of your health and relationships, to be paid at less than a living wage, to be objectified, or to endure any other kinds of disrespectful behavior. No one does.
The future of your church doesn’t rest solely on your decision to stay or go. You are a minister - one minister - in Christ’s church. That doesn’t mean you can’t and don’t make an impact. (Even in the worst of circumstances, you are planting good seed that will eventually flourish in ways you’ll never know.) It does mean that you don’t have to carry your church or The Church on your back.
You are not a lesser minister if you leave a church for the sake of your wellbeing, no matter how long your tenure has been. I have had a church tenure that was less than a year. (Many people have.) I left because of the toxicity. It was not the end of me or of my vocation. In some ways, it was the real beginning. A short stint is not indicative of your faithfulness or your talent. It does show that you love yourself, which is a key part of Jesus’ two greatest commandments.
At the end of the day, you serve God, not the institution of the Church. These are not the same. It might take leaving your church or even the ministry to be able to continue serving God. If so, that is the better way.
I hold out hope for the Church. On its best days it draws us together in authentic community, helps us live more like Jesus, and connects us to God and our neighbors and the created world in a web of interdependence. And, it is an institution run by humans. It comes up short, sometimes waaaaaaaaaay short. There are consequences to that, and ministers often bear the brunt of them.
Anecdotally, it seems like a lot more pastors lately have been contemplating self-harm, and some have followed through. There might be a range of reasons for this, not just the terrific stress of church work. If you are thinking about ending your life, though, and the strain of your ministry is a contributing factor, I have no qualms about telling you to run from that congregation like your hair is on fire and begging you to reach out to a mental health provider and your loved ones. I promise that they all want you to hang around and that they want to help you through whatever trauma you have endured.
Photo by Nagesh Badu on Unsplash.
Note: the blog is moving to Substack! I will cross-post articles here and there in September, then post only on Substack from October onward. You can find me here on Substack.