In his book The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt covers a range of themes about which liberals and conservatives disagree. One is the care/harm theme in which the two polarities differently attribute definitions and causes of hurt and assign the responsibilities of society toward those who are vulnerable. In another, the polarities take varying stances toward people with power.
Our relationships toward these two themes are running beneath the surface of many COVID-19 conversations. Who is to blame for the spread of the virus? Who is supposed to do what about it? How well are our leaders serving us in this crisis? Who is the boss of me and my comings and goings as recommendations for ever more stringent social distancing guidelines are urged?
Right now these questions are only helpful insofar as they reduce the spread of disease. Beyond that, they are ingredients for introducing even more anxiety into a system that is already highly reactive. Still, the questions aren’t going away.
For leaders, then, the need to self-differentiate is more important (and difficult) than ever. If we can be with our people rather than react to to them, we’ll model ways to manage self and begin to infuse the system with more stability.
What does self-differentiating in a pandemic mean? Here are some thoughts:
Listen deeply to others. When people feel heard, seen, and valued, the tension in a conversation drops.
Stay curious. Seek to understand, whether or not you agree.
Don’t try to change minds. Be clear about what you believe, but prioritize the relationship over the position.
Neither under- nor overfunction. This helps distribute responsibility throughout the system, evening out the emotions.
Balance thinking and feeling. You need both, but too much of one or the other will make it hard to keep connected with people.
Stay present with people. If you can be grounded where you are, there is always the potential for care and respect.
Take care of yourself. Self-differentiation is hard work. Shore up your support system as needed.
Your leadership matters. While others panic, blame, or scoff, your self-management is helping make it possible for those in your care not just to cope, but to assign meaning to this unprecedented experience.